A Few Thoughts

It's been a month since my Mom died and I can honestly say that I still can't believe it.  I have little split second flashes where I think "I need to call Mom."  It's so very obvious but I have had such a hard time wrapping my head around how permanent it is.  In hospice, I shared with my sister that I don't believe that dying at 83 is a tragedy, my Mom herself said she lived a good life and felt very blessed, but it is taking me a long time to come to terms with how it happened and the events that unfolded seemingly like a slow moving snowball downhill.  It's crazy to me that the very possible worst outcome, happened.  While I've found myself anxious for this summer season to end, I've realized that the changing of this season won't stop the sadness and the missing of Mom, but I'm hoping it can move on more and more to gladness for how long we had her and that she was ours.  

While looking for something in Mom's desk, I found three notes with the title, Things I Love.  She had included things such as polka dots, "happy endings", peppermints, black eyed susans, a good cup of coffee, ferns and real wood fires.  Finding the notes felt like a gift from her.  I think one of my biggest lessons from her was that extra effort is always worth it and to celebrate the little things.

This past winter I bought my Mom a vintage rooster canister that I just knew that she would love!  I bought it as an intended Christmas gift but, of course, now I wish I had given it to her for her birthday or even just because.  The lesson... give the gift, don't save it for a special occasion.

I've been blown away by the kindness and thoughtfulness of friends.  From meals, texts, cards, attending  Mom's celebration of life, flowers, calls and memories of Mom... it's literally changed how I think about showing up for people.  

My Mom had written very explicit instructions for things and was very organized, which has made starting to sort through her home, paperwork, etc., fairly straightforward.  Again, I think this is a gift to Delita and I.  Another lesson learned.  

Did you know that tucked into the Big Beautiful Bill is a section that expands how many patients nurses and aids can be in charge of?   So every single time it takes over an hour to come and help someone simply go to the bathroom, respond to a call button or simply get help with anything at all you can thank our administration for that.  Perhaps if nurses and aids weren't stretched so thin they wouldn't miss major medical developments.  

Harris said two things that have struck me that I don't want to forget.  While in hospice I shared with Harris that I was surprised how long it was taking for his Grandma to let go and he said "she has a long, good life to shuffle through in her head first" and after her death he expressed that "at least she had lived till the very end on her own terms"- making her own decisions, living independently and still driving!  Those were all things so very important to her!  Grace wrote some of her thoughts in her newsletter.

I sat and cried while writing these things out.  I'm learning that grief over Mom isn't a straight line nor what I expected.  It's been a comfort that my sister, more than anyone, is feeling the same things.  While she and I have sometimes different styles of approaching things, we were together for 5 days straight while everything came to a head, and then to an end.  We had time to reminisce, cry, laugh and be totally present together.  I think Mom would have loved that.   

Mom

Last Friday, my sister and I sat by our Mom and watched as she took her last breath.  It was a privilege to be with her.  While there are many things to be said about how a hip replacement surgery ends this way, I want to focus on her life well lived, how much she was loved and will be missed.  

My Dad died when I was 4 months old, so Mom was the only parent I've known my entire life.  I don't remember even one single time wishing I had two parents or a Dad.  It was always the three of us and then, once my sister was old enough and left home, the two of us.  She managed to give us a great childhood while being a single parent, with objectively little resources, and little support from family.  She wasn't perfect, but neither were we, and she was more than enough.  

Mom was always up for a craft or sewing project, loved to go shopping for sales, had really good decorating taste and absolutely loved her two son-in-laws.  She was generous with her time, resources and help when needed.  Her faith was steadfast and deep, she was fiercely independent and, dare I say, stubborn, and she loved her home.  Harris made the point that she lived, and died, on her terms- still living independently, still driving, still making her own decisions.  

She loved her three grandchildren in small and big ways and they her.  I can probably count on two hands the amount of times the children stayed with a babysitter instead of my Mom.  They moved between our house and her house with ease!  The children had a deep and wide bond with her and are fortunate to have many special memories of and with her.  They got their love of the tv show "Castle" from Mom, and for years Grace's favorite actress was Angela Lansbury due to watching so many episodes of "Murder She Wrote" (clearly Mom loved a good crime drama).  They loved her cheesy toast, feeding ducks together, opening her toy chest to play for hours at a time, and, of course, our special Christmas breakfast.    Grace's very first memory of her childhood is of being at Mom's beloved cabin in the North Georgia mountains. As the children got older she always wanted to be kept up to date on what was new with them and she loved it when they visited and just sat down to chat.  She was immensely proud of each of her grandchildren.  She's been such a fixture in our lives I'm not sure we can even comprehend the ways in which she will be missed.  

She was there when we each took our first breath and it was an honor to be with her as she took her last.  For me, it will take a while to come to terms with the events of the last 7 weeks, but in the meantime I'm so grateful that we had her for as long as we did and that she was always such an integral part of our lives.  We will miss her dearly.