A Few Thoughts

It's been a month since my Mom died and I can honestly say that I still can't believe it.  I have little split second flashes where I think "I need to call Mom."  It's so very obvious but I have had such a hard time wrapping my head around how permanent it is.  In hospice, I shared with my sister that I don't believe that dying at 83 is a tragedy, my Mom herself said she lived a good life and felt very blessed, but it is taking me a long time to come to terms with how it happened and the events that unfolded seemingly like a slow moving snowball downhill.  It's crazy to me that the very possible worst outcome, happened.  While I've found myself anxious for this summer season to end, I've realized that the changing of this season won't stop the sadness and the missing of Mom, but I'm hoping it can move on more and more to gladness for how long we had her and that she was ours.  

While looking for something in Mom's desk, I found three notes with the title, Things I Love.  She had included things such as polka dots, "happy endings", peppermints, black eyed susans, a good cup of coffee, ferns and real wood fires.  Finding the notes felt like a gift from her.  I think one of my biggest lessons from her was that extra effort is always worth it and to celebrate the little things.

This past winter I bought my Mom a vintage rooster canister that I just knew that she would love!  I bought it as an intended Christmas gift but, of course, now I wish I had given it to her for her birthday or even just because.  The lesson... give the gift, don't save it for a special occasion.

I've been blown away by the kindness and thoughtfulness of friends.  From meals, texts, cards, attending  Mom's celebration of life, flowers, calls and memories of Mom... it's literally changed how I think about showing up for people.  

My Mom had written very explicit instructions for things and was very organized, which has made starting to sort through her home, paperwork, etc., fairly straightforward.  Again, I think this is a gift to Delita and I.  Another lesson learned.  

Did you know that tucked into the Big Beautiful Bill is a section that expands how many patients nurses and aids can be in charge of?   So every single time it takes over an hour to come and help someone simply go to the bathroom, respond to a call button or simply get help with anything at all you can thank our administration for that.  Perhaps if nurses and aids weren't stretched so thin they wouldn't miss major medical developments.  

Harris said two things that have struck me that I don't want to forget.  While in hospice I shared with Harris that I was surprised how long it was taking for his Grandma to let go and he said "she has a long, good life to shuffle through in her head first" and after her death he expressed that "at least she had lived till the very end on her own terms"- making her own decisions, living independently and still driving!  Those were all things so very important to her!  Grace wrote some of her thoughts in her newsletter.

I sat and cried while writing these things out.  I'm learning that grief over Mom isn't a straight line nor what I expected.  It's been a comfort that my sister, more than anyone, is feeling the same things.  While she and I have sometimes different styles of approaching things, we were together for 5 days straight while everything came to a head, and then to an end.  We had time to reminisce, cry, laugh and be totally present together.  I think Mom would have loved that.   

Mom

Last Friday, my sister and I sat by our Mom and watched as she took her last breath.  It was a privilege to be with her.  While there are many things to be said about how a hip replacement surgery ends this way, I want to focus on her life well lived, how much she was loved and will be missed.  

My Dad died when I was 4 months old, so Mom was the only parent I've known my entire life.  I don't remember even one single time wishing I had two parents or a Dad.  It was always the three of us and then, once my sister was old enough and left home, the two of us.  She managed to give us a great childhood while being a single parent, with objectively little resources, and little support from family.  She wasn't perfect, but neither were we, and she was more than enough.  

Mom was always up for a craft or sewing project, loved to go shopping for sales, had really good decorating taste and absolutely loved her two son-in-laws.  She was generous with her time, resources and help when needed.  Her faith was steadfast and deep, she was fiercely independent and, dare I say, stubborn, and she loved her home.  Harris made the point that she lived, and died, on her terms- still living independently, still driving, still making her own decisions.  

She loved her three grandchildren in small and big ways and they her.  I can probably count on two hands the amount of times the children stayed with a babysitter instead of my Mom.  They moved between our house and her house with ease!  The children had a deep and wide bond with her and are fortunate to have many special memories of and with her.  They got their love of the tv show "Castle" from Mom, and for years Grace's favorite actress was Angela Lansbury due to watching so many episodes of "Murder She Wrote" (clearly Mom loved a good crime drama).  They loved her cheesy toast, feeding ducks together, opening her toy chest to play for hours at a time, and, of course, our special Christmas breakfast.    Grace's very first memory of her childhood is of being at Mom's beloved cabin in the North Georgia mountains. As the children got older she always wanted to be kept up to date on what was new with them and she loved it when they visited and just sat down to chat.  She was immensely proud of each of her grandchildren.  She's been such a fixture in our lives I'm not sure we can even comprehend the ways in which she will be missed.  

She was there when we each took our first breath and it was an honor to be with her as she took her last.  For me, it will take a while to come to terms with the events of the last 7 weeks, but in the meantime I'm so grateful that we had her for as long as we did and that she was always such an integral part of our lives.  We will miss her dearly.  

June

 

A quick roundup of a few things that occurred in June...

We got to see dear friends for an evening before we headed to Blackberry Farm.  

Grace went to India!  Her good friend from St Andrews invited her to his sister's wedding and she couldn't resist the opportunity to experience something so culturally unique and interesting.  She was there just under a week (ah, to be young and not put off by a 21 hour flight!) and has reported that a fantastic time was had!  She wrote about it in more depth in her monthly newsletter!

This month was dominated by my Mom's hip replacement surgery.  Recovery has not gone as planned and it's been a long and frustrating journey for everyone.  Before her surgery, we had family over for Frogmore Stew.  

The garden has looked great and we have enjoyed its bounty!

Solstice Dinner

Whenever she's home around the summer solstice, Grace makes a special solstice dinner.  This year, we were gone, as was she, on June 21st but she made up for it with a special dinner for both the solstice and our anniversary this weekend.  

To Start

Blueberry + Radish crostini

Scallop Crudo

Main

Trio of pizzas with plum, potato and green

Dessert

Blueberry and lavender ice cream

We set up our table in the garden and all was well until it started to rain!  At first it was just a few sprinkles and then it started to properly rain!  The linens, plates and flowers all got wet but it didn't damper our spirits.

Instead, we moved appetizers of crudo and crostini to the greenhouse and waited out the shower!

For the main dish, Grace made a trio of different types of pizza that Bryce cooked in the pizza oven.  They were all super delicious but my favorite was the potato with sour cherry jam but it got eaten so fast we didn't get a picture!

It did stop raining enough for us to wipe the seats down and eat our pizza outside.  We even got a faint rainbow.  Though it was hot and very humid , it was fun and enjoyable and something to laugh at with the rain.  It's a good reminder that it's worth making the effort to do special things, not everything need always be convenient.  

30 Years

 

Yesterday was our 30th wedding anniversary!  It seems like we got married just yesterday and also like it's been forever.  It's strange to think that we've been married longer than we weren't (by 7 years!).  It's not always been perfect but I couldn't have asked for a better life partner. There have been ups and downs but mostly ups!  Here's to another 30!  

Blackberry Farm

Years and years ago, probably 15, Blackberry Farm came on my radar and I emphatically told Bryce that I was adding to it my list of places I absolutely wanted to go one day.  Well, that day finally came and Bryce and I spent last weekend luxuriating in the beauty and good food of Blackberry Farm!  

Our room at Blackberry was beautiful!  We had fresh flowers and the most delicious cookies waiting on us at arrival.   Don't tell Harris but as soon as he moves out permanently, I'm totally wallpapering his room!

We started our weekend by taking a tour of the farm.  The property is many, many acres and things are fairly spread out so everyone has use of golf carts to get around.  The Farmstead was a major focus of the tour, and one of the things I was most looking forward to.  Our guide, Dakota, was so informative.  We saw sheep, truffle dog puppies, the friendliest turkey you ever did meet, the garden, larder and wine cellar.  All were incredibly impressive.  I'm more convinced than ever that I want sheep!

The property itself is so beautiful, with stunning, mature trees, the lake and boathouse, views for miles and thoughtful touches.

A post about Blackberry Farm would not be complete without discussing the food.  I knew before going that they were known for their food but I did not expect the level that we got.  We were told that the average number of courses of food, per day, at the farm was 11!  Each meal seemed to outdo the last.  I don't think I've ever had such good food, consistently, for three days!  Most meals we ate at The Dogwood but for our anniversary dinner we ate at The Barn, which is a five course meal centered around Appalachian cuisine.  It was phenomenal, all of the food was exceptional.   I never pulled my phone out to take pictures of the food, it just felt like an enjoy it in the moment type of thing.  

While at Blackberry we toured the garden where I got to meet John Coykendall.  He is Blackberry's master gardener and seed saver extraordinaire.  He's quite famous in that world and I was so excited to meet him.  Of note is that John drew all the images on the Blackberry plates used in place settings in The Barn- as seen in the second picture, a man of many talents!

The only thing at Blackberry that surprised me was the garden.  It was massive and had all sorts of things growing but it was also chaotic, with a TON of weeds.  It just looked like they perhaps didn't have enough staff to keep it tidy.

We also went on a hike through a bit of the Smokies, spent some time by the pool, had a spa treatment and tried our hand at fly fishing where we actually managed to catch trout!

It was all the way around an extraordinary three days and a wonderful way to celebrate our 30th anniversary!